Condemning Ourselves

My husband and I were listening to a podcast on the way in to work this morning. Marriages seem to flux up and down, good and bad, and we’ve been on the down/bad side for a while. It’s been tiring for both of us, communication seems to go south, arguments flare far too quickly, and we’ve allowed other priorities to bump our relationship to the back burner.

So after a bad time last week, we’ve put ourselves in intensive care. Consciously being kind, spending time together, reading some relationship books and discussing them, cooking together, that sort of thing. And because of that hard work we’ve had a good past week. It’s amazing how things come around when you make an effort to be kind. It’s funny how life tends to apply to other areas of life.

We were listening to a podcast, and he was talking about not allowing the past to taint the present, and we were talking about how that applied in different areas of our life, but hadn’t yet made the connection with our relationship. My husband pointed out how difficult it was to not live in the past, because either something was too big, too bad, or too good to let go, depending on the situation and perception – but it was difficult to move on from particular circumstances. Sometimes it just seems more right if you can punish yourself for them since no one else will.

It then hit us at the same time. If we felt that way about arguments, or painful words and actions within our relationship, there’s no way out marriage would have a snowball’s chance in hell of surviving and thriving, but each of us extended to the other grace in the interest of healing, which we would not afford ourselves.

We each thought about that for a while, and determined if we could be kind and loving with our partner, then surely we could extend that same forgiveness to ourselves. If God does not condemn us, then who are we to condemn ourselves?

It was a powerful conversation, and I think it was yet another step towards freedom from all the guilt that plagues the Christian religious culture.

A God Who Can Dance

Returning from a business trip I just took, I was able to catch an in-movie flight. Anymore these seem to be the only way I watch anything new that comes out on video, and on this flight I was able to watch “Evan Almighty”. I have to say I really enjoyed the movie – and it made some interesting points that I thought would be worth noting.

First, there’s a point where everyone thinks the main character, Evan, is crazy, and so his wife ends up leaving for a period of time, and taking their three sons with her. As she’s drowning her sorrows in a plate of French fries at a local pub, God appears in the form of a waiter. She says that her husband wanted to change the world, wanted their family to grow closer, and instead all he did was start ranting about some sort of ark and a flood.

In this scene, God makes an interesting point. He asks “When somebody prays for courage – do you think God gives them courage? Or does he present a situation where they can be courageous? When somebody prays to be closer as a family, does God give them lots of fuzzy feelings for each other, or does he present them with an opportunity to become closer as a family?”

What a fascinating point. You never really think of it that way…but I have this feeling that it’s right on. (that will have to be another blog)

Throughout the whole movie, the main character, Evan, does a little victory dance whenever something goes right. At the end of the movie, he sees God standing off in a field as he’s taking his family on a hike, and Evan walks over to talk with him. The two of them discuss what’s happened, Evan talks about how God knew what was going to happen all along, and how his family was saved from a flood, is now much closer, he doesn’t have all that facial hair anymore, and they own a dog. Life is good .

God smiles, and then says – ‘C’mon Evan, do the dance.’

And Evan dances his silly little dance. And God joins in with him.

And in that moment I had this epiphany. I could SEE God dancing with me over my little victories too.

The God I grew up with didn’t dance. He wasn’t joyful. He was stern, a savior, just. Merciful, yes. But a God I could picture dancing with me in moments of pure celebration? No.

And I realized that I was really making progress on this journey when I could see God dancing with me over our all the little things that make my life OK. A great husband, a new house, 2 really good jobs, my beautiful garden with its ridiculously tall cosmos (seriously – like 15 feet high)….all of that. I could hear Him say, ‘C’mon Christa, do the dance. Life is good’.

And He joined me in it.

A good person...

Over vacation, I had an interesting conversation with my brother. Some of what we talked about is how so much of the Christian faith is trying to be ‘good’…and how so many Christians are actually quite nasty as a group of people.

First, let me define what I mean when I say that Christians are always trying to be ‘good’. If you’ve been to church for more than a few Sunday services, then I’m sure you’ve heard a message on improving your life…not lying, being less self-centered, sharing of your resources, how to be a good example…that sort of thing. I’m sure you’ve also heard the preacher say something to the point of:

“We’re going to pray now, and as you’re praying, why don’t you ask God to point out those areas of your life that need improvement, and as something comes to your mind, ask for His help as you work towards an image that is a reflection of Christ.”

Bleck. Turns my stomach even typing those words.

Here’s the thing: I don’t think that us ‘getting better’ or striving to ‘be good’ is really the point of Christianity…and there seems to be so much focus on it. In Jesus’ teachings, relationship seems to be a major focus. So if you forget about being good...and do nothing but focus on a relationship with God…then a side-effect of that might be that you’ll become something of a ‘better’ person…because you’ll be modeling principals which you know in the core of your heart . However if you’re constantly working on being ‘better’, and the relationship is pushed aside…then you’re going to be trapped in this obsession and not truly ‘get better’ at all.

So many people are worried about presenting the right appearances, the right way of talking, the idea that once upon a time your heart was corrupt and you were a sinner but God fixed that now and boy, aren’t you lucky! You now know sin because other people have talked about it…and once upon a time you experienced it. (On a side note it’s so easy to damn other people to hell as you present this persona you’ve created.) But where’s God in all of it? Where’s your relationship? Why isn’t that shining through?

At this point, while I’m sure there’s always room for improvement…I’m not sure I’m going to improve a lot. My personality is pretty set…from this point on life will probably shape it one way or another, but I am who I am. . . and I’m a person who really wants a relationship with God…not a façade that people are impressed by.

If God really said truth when he said he loved me…and I really believe it…then I’d imagine he loved me as I was and still am…and that he will love me just as much when I’m 80 and haven’t improved a lick…or have improved a lot…it’s unconditional…

But I’d really have to believe that, wouldn’t I?

The Great God of Entertainment

This post probably won’t be deeply theological in most senses, but something happened yesterday that I think will contribute greatly to the rest of the blog. Let me set up the scene:

I had returned home from work, and immediately turned on a favorite TV show of mine; ‘Heroes’. Greg went upstairs to work on the computer, and I was entertained by the DVR…then I didn’t want to get up once the show was over and decided to catch up on an episode of ‘America’s Next Top Model’. I fell asleep somewhere in the middle of a photo shoot and judging, and woke up grumpy and drained of energy and not knowing which model had been kicked out due to her poor performance. I staggered to the kitchen, meandered upstairs to see what Greg was up to…said hello to our neighbor…and then needed to get some energy going (it was only 6 in the evening) so I decided to go for a walk. Greg didn’t want to come, so I went alone.

I walked and walked and walked. The sun started to set and the sky lit up in pink, so I walked north of our house to a large field that sits on a bluff sheltered by a tall cottonwood tree and I sat down and watched the sun set. It took about 30 minutes. There was a slight breeze and I could hear a high-school pep band playing ‘We will Rock you’ in the distance. A mouse rustled around in the dry grass behind me, and the clouds moved to a brighter and brighter pink…they peaked with a flourish and then started dulling as the sun and its warmth disappeared into the evening. I had a moment of clarity in that, and I got up, dusted myself off and headed back to the house.

Once there, the first thing I did was delete all of the shows I had recorded and all the series recordings that I’m so attached to. Nothing I had watched or was planning on watching could compare to the stillness and beauty of that sunset.

I then went and drew a bath (because it was actually quite chilly out there) and told Greg that I was done watching TV. He had been considering getting rid of it previously, but neither of us had acted on it. With those words he decided he was done too – and within a few minutes all 3 cable boxes were sitting by the door, ready to head back to Comcast.

I’ve felt so programmed lately. With commercials, TV shows, movies, all these things tell you how to live your life and what’s normal and why…and I don’t want to do that anymore – it’s just another institutionalized religion where many things (appearance, food, lifestyle, possessions) are God. I’ve wasted more time in front of the TV than I can count…and I’m done. We agreed to watch 1 show a week together that’s on basic cable (‘House’ for those of you who are curious) and that’s it for me. In a sense the decisions is spiritual for the fact that I need to be more centered, more conscious of the time I spend and how I spend it, of the thinking and learning I do and who I allow to be my teachers. So much of the American lifestyle turns us into brainless robots… and I don’t want that for myself.

So here’s to more time for blogging and thinking…and less time in front of commercials.