A week and a half ago, my dad called me up at work. This isn't unusual, I like talking to my parents for a few minutes in the morning occasionally. But this morning was different. He was agitated, frustrated, and began a long drawn-out conversation about church.
More specifically, my lack of attendance, and the dire consequences that could be showing up in my life as a result of my lack of attendance. “One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind.” [Romans 14:5]
I am a very blessed individual. I have a great marriage, a fantastic home with a lovely lawn and garden where the cosmos are high, a cute cat, and we both have nice jobs. Life is good.
My dad seems to believe that if I don’t go to church regularly to ‘fellowship with other believers’ that these blessings could get taken away, because I’m not showing proper gratitude to God. Perhaps, once upon a time, I could see the logic in this – but I don’t anymore. I’m not a rock when it comes to Christianity, or spirituality even – but I don’t believe that about God at all. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free.” [Romans 8:1]
It’s just stunning to me how painful these conversations are – it’s like my kryptonite – everything I thought I believed solidly comes into question when my dad starts railing at me – because deep down I think he probably knows better – being a pastor and all. My head takes into account what I’ve read, what I know, and it says that there’s no way that God is like some piggybank – but my heart disagrees. All the ‘teaching’ I’ve received from my father points to a somewhat vengeful God.
“God is love, but before even that – God is just.” That echoes in my mind – and it’s not even biblical – but it was drilled into me as truth, and it’s so hard to shake that tiny, damaging statement. So an hour and a half later, after I had repeatedly told my dad that it was no longer any of his business to talk to me about this, and that as an adult I could make decisions and live with those consequences on my own…did I collapse in an emotionally exhausted heap.
The funny thing is, it’s more about my dad’s self-image that he expresses these concerns than anything else. He runs a semi-successful missions ministry, and he is constantly comparing the 4 of his children to all the other fantastic preacher’s kids he meets during his travels. He laments that he’s a ‘failure as a father’ never seeing the irony that he’s failing more now, than he ever has. He would hate for other people to find out the attitude his children really have towards the ministry. He has found much success in presenting a false image to his supporters, and they feed the image by appreciating the fully-put-together-family-package that we all represented when we were still at home. “So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves.” [Romans 14:22]
The problem with that is eventually you start to crave something real. And that’s where I’m at – trying to find something real to stand on. A spirituality which allows you to be yourself – appreciated as such, with other people who aren’t perfect and don’t pretend to be….see why I don’t attend church?
So our conversation ended, and dad, as always, was completely frustrated – and I, as always, was completely exhausted. I think at this point he doesn’t believe my husband, brothers, sister and I are really even Christians anymore….and maybe we’re not – at least by his definition. “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.” [Romans 5: 1-2]
The worst part is, that every single conversation we have like this drives me even further away from any semblance of God – I just want to hide, to heal, to run away from the topic and as the topic includes God, to stay away from him too – because my dad’s words are like lashings across my back, and they sting my mind and heart. Not because they’re true, but because they’re hurtful, and calculatedly so. “Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters. Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.” [Romans 14:1 & 4]
So rather than encouraging his kids to attend church, he’s really discouraging them – causing even more damage, more arguments, more division within his family, more hurt, more loathing. How is that from God? If he’s really the great spiritual leader he claims to be, how can this come from his mouth? “Out of the same mouth proceeds blessing and curse; my brothers, these things ought so not to be" [James 3:10]
It’s really just painful, and more obstacles to overcome as I continue to press forward on this path that I hope leads to some sort of spiritual freedom. I just wish he’d keep his thoughts to himself. I’d be getting much farther, I think.
May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. [Romans 15:13]
More specifically, my lack of attendance, and the dire consequences that could be showing up in my life as a result of my lack of attendance. “One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind.” [Romans 14:5]
I am a very blessed individual. I have a great marriage, a fantastic home with a lovely lawn and garden where the cosmos are high, a cute cat, and we both have nice jobs. Life is good.
My dad seems to believe that if I don’t go to church regularly to ‘fellowship with other believers’ that these blessings could get taken away, because I’m not showing proper gratitude to God. Perhaps, once upon a time, I could see the logic in this – but I don’t anymore. I’m not a rock when it comes to Christianity, or spirituality even – but I don’t believe that about God at all. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free.” [Romans 8:1]
It’s just stunning to me how painful these conversations are – it’s like my kryptonite – everything I thought I believed solidly comes into question when my dad starts railing at me – because deep down I think he probably knows better – being a pastor and all. My head takes into account what I’ve read, what I know, and it says that there’s no way that God is like some piggybank – but my heart disagrees. All the ‘teaching’ I’ve received from my father points to a somewhat vengeful God.
“God is love, but before even that – God is just.” That echoes in my mind – and it’s not even biblical – but it was drilled into me as truth, and it’s so hard to shake that tiny, damaging statement. So an hour and a half later, after I had repeatedly told my dad that it was no longer any of his business to talk to me about this, and that as an adult I could make decisions and live with those consequences on my own…did I collapse in an emotionally exhausted heap.
The funny thing is, it’s more about my dad’s self-image that he expresses these concerns than anything else. He runs a semi-successful missions ministry, and he is constantly comparing the 4 of his children to all the other fantastic preacher’s kids he meets during his travels. He laments that he’s a ‘failure as a father’ never seeing the irony that he’s failing more now, than he ever has. He would hate for other people to find out the attitude his children really have towards the ministry. He has found much success in presenting a false image to his supporters, and they feed the image by appreciating the fully-put-together-family-package that we all represented when we were still at home. “So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves.” [Romans 14:22]
The problem with that is eventually you start to crave something real. And that’s where I’m at – trying to find something real to stand on. A spirituality which allows you to be yourself – appreciated as such, with other people who aren’t perfect and don’t pretend to be….see why I don’t attend church?
So our conversation ended, and dad, as always, was completely frustrated – and I, as always, was completely exhausted. I think at this point he doesn’t believe my husband, brothers, sister and I are really even Christians anymore….and maybe we’re not – at least by his definition. “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.” [Romans 5: 1-2]
The worst part is, that every single conversation we have like this drives me even further away from any semblance of God – I just want to hide, to heal, to run away from the topic and as the topic includes God, to stay away from him too – because my dad’s words are like lashings across my back, and they sting my mind and heart. Not because they’re true, but because they’re hurtful, and calculatedly so. “Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters. Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.” [Romans 14:1 & 4]
So rather than encouraging his kids to attend church, he’s really discouraging them – causing even more damage, more arguments, more division within his family, more hurt, more loathing. How is that from God? If he’s really the great spiritual leader he claims to be, how can this come from his mouth? “Out of the same mouth proceeds blessing and curse; my brothers, these things ought so not to be" [James 3:10]
It’s really just painful, and more obstacles to overcome as I continue to press forward on this path that I hope leads to some sort of spiritual freedom. I just wish he’d keep his thoughts to himself. I’d be getting much farther, I think.
May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. [Romans 15:13]
1 comments:
Well don’t worry, you’re not crazy…or if you are it means I’m crazy too. You can’t win against him with theology, and if you try to win you’re missing the point and I thought you nailed it quite well. I came to a similar mindset after the Backpack trip, the more he pushes the more I feel distanced from Christianity. At the same time I have to be fair and question if what he is trying to push us towards is Christianity or can even be called that. I don’t think that it can be categorized with the kind of Love and openness that Jesus portrayed. I was thinking last night about all the preconceived notions I have about Christianity, God, and Jesus and for baby steps I was thinking about what Jesus looked like. We’ve all seen the long haired Jesus face staring us in the face, I then thought what if Jesus looked like a big biker dude? Would I see him in the same light, what if instead of a man he was a woman? Could I still accept what he/she said in the same light? It is not the Idea of what Jesus looked like or anything remotely similar that matters, it’s what he taught. I have a friend at work that is a pastor for a church that doesn’t believe that Jesus was the son of God but just a good man. At first I got all riled up, but then I thought that I don’t even go to church or outwardly claim any firm belief system. I think it’s kind of funny that the four gospels are basically four different viewpoints on the life of Jesus, what’s you opinion? I think the hardest thing that I have when it comes to Christianity and the Idea of a church is that dad’s face or voice is right behind it. It may be masked in some way but lets face it he hammered in those Christian Ideals pretty well growing up. The thing that I’ve been working on is removing all of my preconceived notions about god away from Christianity. I know that I can’t get all of them or very many but I think in order to put God on a level playing field in my mind dad has to be removed. I’m all about baby steps I’m still working on the God is love, not guilt and I wouldn’t even call myself a Christian. Even if I believe in God I don’t think I have to have a special title to categorize myself.
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