My father is a pastor. My father is one of those black and white pastors who preaches a loving God, and who teaches guilt, condemnation and bondage. I have found growing up that teaching is much more effective than preaching.
I've also found that though it's easy to say that God is a loving God – but that monster god that's been defined for me through all my years has been a very difficult one to shake. He clings to my back and scratches threats in my ears each time I screw up or don't attend church. The enormous amount of blessings I've received in my marriage, work and home all come with the whisperings that it could all be taken away should I continue on this path of selfishness and not get my act together.
And by getting my act together, I mean acting Christian. Going to church, reading the Bible, fellowshipping with believers, praying for my meals, before I go to bed and generally without ceasing, tithing, evangelizing to the unbelievers that they too, might have this Gift of Eternal Life. Oh yes. I know the language rather well.
I've not darkened the door of a church in over a year now - not attended church with any sort of regularity (let's define that by at least once a month) for almost 6 years. I cringe when the bible is cracked open, wince when praise music is played, and shy away from anyone who insists on getting preachy with me. My two brothers and sister are all in different phases of the same state.
The worst thing about all this, is that I WANT to be a Christian, and have that kind of faith that God is good, and loving, and that church is something to look forward to and praying occurs naturally and the Bible is relevant….all of that I would really like to have. It’s not that I think life would be rosy – I’m much to cynical for that – but having some sort of a partnership with God through this life – something to really cling to and believe is appealing.
As of now, each time I try and return to any sort of faith, it feels more like the sinuous twistings of returning to an abusive relationship. The battered woman returning to her lover just to have a few good hours or days before the beating continues again and she has to leave this lifestyle she really doesn’t know how to live without.
Clearly, my definition of God is messed up. And I think that in order to have any kind of freedom, I’ll have to redefine him. How is an entirely different matter, but it’s a starting point.
I've also found that though it's easy to say that God is a loving God – but that monster god that's been defined for me through all my years has been a very difficult one to shake. He clings to my back and scratches threats in my ears each time I screw up or don't attend church. The enormous amount of blessings I've received in my marriage, work and home all come with the whisperings that it could all be taken away should I continue on this path of selfishness and not get my act together.
And by getting my act together, I mean acting Christian. Going to church, reading the Bible, fellowshipping with believers, praying for my meals, before I go to bed and generally without ceasing, tithing, evangelizing to the unbelievers that they too, might have this Gift of Eternal Life. Oh yes. I know the language rather well.
I've not darkened the door of a church in over a year now - not attended church with any sort of regularity (let's define that by at least once a month) for almost 6 years. I cringe when the bible is cracked open, wince when praise music is played, and shy away from anyone who insists on getting preachy with me. My two brothers and sister are all in different phases of the same state.
The worst thing about all this, is that I WANT to be a Christian, and have that kind of faith that God is good, and loving, and that church is something to look forward to and praying occurs naturally and the Bible is relevant….all of that I would really like to have. It’s not that I think life would be rosy – I’m much to cynical for that – but having some sort of a partnership with God through this life – something to really cling to and believe is appealing.
As of now, each time I try and return to any sort of faith, it feels more like the sinuous twistings of returning to an abusive relationship. The battered woman returning to her lover just to have a few good hours or days before the beating continues again and she has to leave this lifestyle she really doesn’t know how to live without.
Clearly, my definition of God is messed up. And I think that in order to have any kind of freedom, I’ll have to redefine him. How is an entirely different matter, but it’s a starting point.
2 comments:
Several thoughts come to mind.
First of all, why do you WANT to be a Christian? What would it do for you?
The second thought was that in my perception of the word I have changed the meaning of the word "blessing". It used to mean that what you had acquired or had, ie. a new house, good friends, a loving family was evidence of God's blessing, or stated another way, His approval. I could shake my head at a party and say that God has really blessed us.
Here are two blogs I wrote that focused on defining my perception of God's blessing.
http://jimboree.blogspot.com/2007/07/where-is-god-now.html
http://jimboree.blogspot.com/2006/01/whose-side-is-god-on.html
If we accept God's blessing as the things we have, and that we experience the loss of His blessing when He takes them away, then where the hell do you put my friend who is dying of cancer. Did God pull His blessing away from her? ABSOLUTELY NOT. God is not punishing her for her poor choices. God is blessing her, and in blessing her is blessing everyone around her. God's blessing is radiating from her. She is amazing.
If you want to see for yourself, her website is:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/nancybrusletten
When AB was diagnosed with cancer, that was one of the biggest blessing our family ever recieved! God wasn't taking anything away from us. He wasn't punishing us. (If He was, He should have struck me instead of her.) Our family became even closer. What He did was enlarge us, and enrich us and He and I talked as I never have before. Simply put, He blessed us.
So how do I think of myself now that the cancer appears to be gone and we live with a level of comfort? We feel fortunate. It isn't something we've done. Tomorrow the cancer could be back, someone in our family could be struck down. We don't look at it as God punishing or rewarding us. At this time we are fortunate.
Blessings are something totally different. Blessings are God's love given to us, whether we deserve it or not. Blessings are God's hugs to us.
The argument that God will take away our comforts, or anything else if we don't act the way He wants us to is fraught with disingenuousness. It starts to look more like works than faith. In this argument, at some level we have to earn God's favor, which comes to us in the form of comfortable living.
But if we are fallen and depraved, to say that we only have our "comforts" because we are living up to a "standard" that God set for us, then we should all have nothing, NADA, no comfort at all, because there is none righteous...NO NOT ONE.
If we accept this truth, that comfort is not an indicator of blessing, and loss of comfort is not God turning away from us unhappy, then I would be suspicious of the motivation of anyone who extols that thinking.
I would say that I understand I good portion of what you’re talking about, The point that I’ve come to is that I’ve stopped chasing this Idea of a Christian life as we’ve had it defined for us. I hold on to the moral guidelines to a degree but as far as church I’ve stopped fighting my desire to want to go. For me it was guilt in part with wanting to go, I also have a slight hunch that the reason a Christian lifestyle is so appealing to me is because deep down a part of me thinks if I am a good church going Christian then it will validate all that went on in the past. As if all that went on was all apart of the journey to push me to Christianity, let me break it down further. This all is just one big journey and I’m sure we can all agree to that, when we were growing up the idea of a good life had Christianity, Money and Family all hammered into it. Which ones were more important is hard to tell, but if you think about it you have two out of the three and so in order to have a “ideal” life you need the Christianity spot filled. What if it is being filled but just in a way you’re not expecting. I would call myself an expert on arguing points of theology, adept at church dynamics, well versed in presenting fake fronts, but no experience with pure Love. Baby steps rock because they are small, try the small stuff before you dive into a full Christian lifestyle because you might be missing out on the good stuff. Oh and the “foundation” we were given is total crap anyway.
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